By Rosie Harper
Dear September,
I like my best friend’s boyfriend. What do I do?
This is such a tough situation. First of all, I just want to say that I’m sorry. Because I know that we don’t always get to control how we feel. And this is a really painful position to be in.
It’s important to remind yourself how much you value your friend. If it’s your best friend, then I assume you are really close with this person and love them a lot. Keep that at the forefront of your mind. Remind yourself of that. That friendship is what is most important, and you could so easily damage it. It’s not worth it.
It’s dumb, but it’s true - boys come and go, but good friends can last forever. Be honest here. There will likely be several more guys that you crush on before you find “the one.” But you’ll likely only have one or two best friends in your entire life. You need to protect that relationship.
And in order to protect it, you need to keep quiet. Don’t bring it up to the boy. Don’t bring it up to the friend. It won’t solve anything. What’s the best case scenario? You confess your feelings, the boy feels the same, and he breaks up with your best friend in order to be with you? Yeah, that would be awful. You don’t want that.
It may even be wise for you to distance yourself from their relationship. It may be tempting to hang out with the two of them all the time, so that you can at least be near the guy you like. But more than likely you’ll end up flirting with him, even if you don’t mean to. That’s not fair to your friend. And at the very least you will just hurt yourself by being in such close proximity to the boy that you wish you could have. You may need to step back from the couple, and just focus on spending time with your best friend one-on-one.
If needed, find a trusted friend who is willing to listen to you, and talk to them about the situation. Better to vent to them than to express your pent up emotions in an inappropriate setting.
At the end of the day, you’re just going to have to be selfless. You’re going to have to prioritize your friend’s feelings over your own. And trust that everything will work out exactly the way that it is supposed to. God has perfect timing.
Dear September,
My friend is struggling with mental health issues. What is a good way that I can try to help him?
This is such a tough issue to tackle. Mental health can be so serious, and at the same time everyone experiences it differently. It can be really difficult to know how to help a particular person with their particular struggle.
A few tips:
Be a really, really good listener. Oftentimes, when someone is going through a dark time, they feel like they’re drowning, they’re confused by what’s going on in their own head, and they feel so, so alone. They just need someone to listen to them. Without dismissing them. Without judging them. Just listen and absorb and empathize.
Ask the right questions. If your friend is having a hard time opening up, gently ask them pointed questions about how they are doing and what they may be struggling with. If they do start to share, be an active listener and ask clarifying questions. This will help you better understand their complex mental state, and it will let your friend know that you truly care about them and want to assist them. And you can always simply ask, “How can I help?” If you don’t know how to best help your friend, just ask. They do know how you can best assist them, because they best understand their situation.
Do not try to fix their issue. They don’t need advice like “just focus on everything that you have to be grateful for!” or “have you tried exercise?” They also don’t need you to tell them all about your own past experiences and how you know “exactly what they’re going through.” No, you don’t. No one truly knows but them. If you take this approach, your friend will likely feel like you are dismissing them.
Put yourself in their shoes. Again, your experiences are not exactly like your friend’s experiences. But think back to a time when you were struggling, and try to be the friend that you wish you had at that time. And while it is not helpful to tell your friend about any similarities between your mental health histories, sometimes you can draw on your past to better help your friend. For example, I have had episodes of anxiety in the past. So when one of my friends is having a panic attack, I know that physical touch is unhelpful and often overwhelming, but it is incredibly comforting for me to stay by their side and be present with them.
When you ask someone, “how are you doing?” or “are you ok?” always ask twice. You will get the honest answer the second time.
If your friend is in a really dark place, where they might harm themselves or others, seek professional help. You cannot help them all by yourself. You are not betraying their trust by notifying a professional. You are doing the absolute best thing for them. Don’t hesitate.
None of us is in this alone - not the person struggling, and not the person trying to help them. We should all lean on each other.
Dear September,
How do I manage schoolwork, sports, clubs, and working a part-time job?
Ooh, boy. The short answer is: I’m still trying to figure it out.
Last year was my busiest year by far. I had a really heavy course load, was working around 18 hours a week, babysitting, involved in clubs, participating in my youth group, and playing soccer. I learned A LOT about time management.
The first thing I would tell you is that you have a lot more time on your hands than you think you do. You need to maximize every moment. Do you have a thirty minute car ride to practice? Bring something to work on. Do you get home from work at 9 pm? Tackle an assignment before you go to bed. Does your meeting not start until 10 am? Wake up a little early and get something done before you leave. You have more time than you think you do. Be intentional with it.
Set goals for yourself. If you have a couple of hours, make a (reasonable) list of everything that you want to get done in those couple of hours. Then go knock out that list.
Remove distractions. I’m talking to myself here. I waste so, so, so much time scrolling through YouTube and Pinterest. Put your phone in another room when you are working on homework. Don’t look at it until you are done with your task. It’s important to give yourself breaks, but only after you’ve finished what’s in front of you. (Yikes, I feel convicted.)
Learn the power of power naps. Listen, sometimes you are so exhausted that it is much more productive for you to take a quick nap and wake up refreshed than to try to power through some homework when you are so tired that you can’t even focus on it. Take a 20-minute nap. Trust me. They do wonders. You wake up feeling energized but not groggy like you would if you took an hour-long nap.
Remember that you don’t have to be perfect. This is for all of my overthinkers out there. If you are juggling a lot, remember that you do not and cannot give all of your energy to everything. You will make yourself miserable and, guess what? You still won’t be perfect. Do the best you can with the time and energy that you have for that task, and then move on.
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