Author | Lilly Branch |
Hey friends! In deciding this month’s article topic, I decided to do something along the lines of not wasting your singleness. Then my brain started kind of hopping around, and I came up with some other things to add to the whole topic of singleness. Then it decided I should do an interview. So, in short, this is what I ended up with. I feel like it’s an important thing to talk about, especially in today’s view of singleness, almost as if it’s a curse. Let’s jump into the interview shall we?
Who’s being interviewed:
Stuart Clark – Part-time music artist, freshman at Indiana University, and currently single.
Hannah Zimmers – Blogger from North Carolina, homeschooled high school senior, and currently dating.
Callie Sorrow – Youth pastor at Grace Fellowship Church, student at Emmanuel College, and currently engaged.
SC: First off, before we get into any of the questions, I’ll say that being in a relationship isn’t inherently a bad thing and neither of us are in any way anti-dating or anti-relationship, just to get that out of the way. Hannah’s got an amazing boyfriend and I’m definitely looking forward to dating and being married. But given that this is focusing on singleness… we’re going to focus on singleness. Okay go for it.
GG: Some people think you have to have a partner beside you to do a lot of things in life (which is true but) what are some things that can be done right now as a single person that can't be done or done as easily as someone in a committed relationship?
SC: Fantastic question. This is something that I really began to understand only a few months ago. There’s definitely an amazing level of freedom that one has whilst being single. If you’re dating someone, you’re generally going to be committing to give them time out of your day/life. If you’re single, that “obligation” doesn’t really exist, so you get to have a lot of freedom. Right now I’m in the process of reinventing myself as a music artist, so over the next few months and years, I’ll be giving a solid portion of my time to making music. On on top of that, I’m in college, so I’m spending a large amount of time on homework and projects, etc. As odd as it sounds, being single allows me to work freely in these areas; I’m not concerned about trying to give time to a girlfriend. That was sorta long-winded, but basically the point is you have tons of freedom with life in general if you’re not dating anyone. Seriously, it’s pretty great.
CS: Each of the overseas mission trips I have done to this point, I have done as a single. It was easier to do because I didn’t necessarily have to cater to someone else’s schedule. True, one day it will be even more wonderful to do it with the person I marry. But I absolutely loved the adventure of getting able to do it by myself. As someone who has lived on her own for almost a year, it is a lot easier to keep my apartment clean and cook and shop. I can eat when I want and have more flexibility with my work and school schedule. Once I am married that will change. However, there are also moments when I wish there was someone to come home to and to eat dinner with. Completing my Master’s Program and working full time, would not have been possible if I were married. I have had to pull some long hours each night after I get off work and spend a lot of weekends doing homework. I would not have been able to give my spouse the necessary attention he deserves.
GG: How to find satisfaction in yourself and stay satisfied as a single person?
SC: I think what it has come down to (for me) is truly understanding that no human person can complete me. Therefore, I’m not incomplete without them (I’m not sure if that’s sound logic or not but you get the idea… I hope). But the biggest thing, on top of that, is learning to accept and really grasp that you’re complete and perfect in God’s eyes because of Christ. As cliche or “churchy” as that may sound, it’s so true. People can’t complete you. They really can’t. Trust me, as someone who idolized marriage and dating for such a long time, it really doesn’t work like that. I don’t know if that answered your question or not, but there’s that anyway.
CS: Honestly, just looking to Jesus. My favorite moment of the day is my quiet mornings just me and God over a cup of coffee. As I read His word and pray to start my day, I am reminded of His love for me. I am also reminded that He has equipped me for the season of singleness and therefore I can do whatever he puts before me. For example, pastoring 70 of the most amazing students on my own or traveling overseas or completing a Master’s Program. But also finding time to do things I absolutely love when I can even if it is by myself! It hasn’t always been easy, but when I keep God’s perspective of me in perspective, I know He’s enough and I am enough. Regardless of my relationship status.
GG: How to respond to the pressure of having a SO in today's culture as it almost nowadays says something about your worth?
HZ: Don’t give a crap what people think. It’s your life, and no one should tell you how to live it. only get in a relationship when the time is right for you.
SC: I’ve personally never felt like having a significant other is directly tied to society’s view of my worth, but I totally see how that can happen. And to echo what Hannah said, it really doesn't matter what “society” or “the world” thinks about you. That’s hard to really understand sometimes, but it’s true. And to be completely honest… I never dated anyone in middle school or high school, and my life experience was not lacking in any way. So just try to remember that you’re not lacking anything by not having a significant other. You’re amazing just by yourself.
GG: How not to waste your singleness?
HZ: Spend time on bettering yourself, and don’t focus on what you’re missing by not being in a relationship. focus on what you’re gaining by having the ability to make yourself the best person you can be in the meantime.
SC: Man what Hannah said is really it. The only thing I would add is, if you’re having a hard time with it, literally just ask God for help. I’m serious, He really does care about all this. He’ll help you out. So yeah I’d say to get into the Word, learn more about prayer, and again, ask God to help you make the most out of your singleness. Also, there’s a great podcast from Breakaway Ministries called “The Gift of Singleness” if you want to check that out. It’s from a college ministry, but it’s still insanely insightful if you’re in high school.
CS: See each day as a gift. Then make the most of it. When you see a need, fill a need.
GG: Is it okay to strongly desire a partner or should you push that feeling away until you meet a certain person or interest?
SC: Psalm 23. “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.” There’s a little part in there that has huge implications… “in want”. Basically, what I took that to mean as was this: God puts natural, good, beautiful desires into the hearts of His children. At their core, those desires are pure, good, and are of God. It’s okay to “want” those things. However, what’s dangerous is when we start to idolize those desires, and get to a place where are constant state of being is that of being “in want,” which is almost covetous in nature: we desire something, we don’t have it, so we think about we don’t have it, and we complain that we don’t have, and we want it we want it we want it. We’re constantly “in want” of something we don’t have. That’s the dangerous part. So for this discussion, if you strongly desire to be married and have a spouse, that’s fantastic. Don’t try to shove away your God-given desires, but do not let them consume you, and make you ungrateful. So to directly answer the question: yes, it’s great to strongly desire a partner, as long as that desire doesn’t grow to wreak havoc on your joy and your life in general.
HZ: You can only push a feeling away so much, it’s always going to be in the back of your mind. don’t let it consume you, but it’s okay to desire a partner. just don’t settle for the first person that comes calling.
CS: I think that desire is totally normal. When that desire becomes an obsession or keeps you from being present, that’s the problem. The best place for that desire is in the hands of God. When the desire comes, acknowledge it for all that it is, then put it in the Lord’s hands for Him to do with it what He wills.
GG: Ways to prep yourself as a single for a relationship?
HZ: Talk to older people in successful relationships. how do they make it work? What do they do differently that makes their relationship different? Take mental notes and implement the ones that work for you whenever you do get in a relationship.
CS: Pray for the Lord’s will. Not just for your future spouse. The reality is you may not get married, and that’s totally okay! Pray that you will want what God wants. That’s not an easy prayer to pray but it helps so much. Focus on what you can focus on, you! Pray that God grows you and your relationship with Him. Grow in reading your Bible and developing those habits. Be the kind of person you would want to marry. Just be present and enjoy today! That’s the best thing you can do be it in singleness or in a relationship.
GG: How do you know you're indeed ready for a relationship?
HZ: When you’re satisfied with who you are as an individual and you’re not settling for a person just for the likes on Instagram. Just because they’re cute doesn’t mean you need to marry them. Lasting relationships start as friendships.
CS: Do you have true peace? Relationships are a big risk! So you may still feel nervous jumping in, but at the end of the day there is a deep rooted peace amidst the risk that can only be described as the Holy Spirit. But seek wise counsel as well.
GG: How to not let Singleness affect your self esteem?
HZ: Just focus on the fact that you’re becoming the best person you can possibly be to love your future partner. It can be hard, but it’s worth the wait.
CS: Keep your perspective of singleness in check. When you see singleness as a gift and not as a disease or a flaw, you can’t but help to have a better outlook on all of it! Singleness is not your identity! Neither is marriage. That’s just part of what makes you, you!
SC: Just because you’re not dating right now does not mean you’re not attractive, or worthy of attention or worthy of love. My sister Darby didn’t date at all during high school, but I know that she is so worthy of being loved, and I know the fact that she never got asked out has nothing to do with who she is as a person (cause she’s honestly the best and you can quote me on that).
GG: How to respond to the question of "why are you still single?"
SC: Honestly, if you’re at a point where you don’t feel like you’re ready, then “I don’t feel like I’m ready yet” is a very acceptable and reliable answer. If you think you’re ready, but are still single… I’m not entirely sure… Hannah?
HZ: Everyone is different, so everyone’s relationship timing is different. this point in life might not be right, or the right person might not have come along yet. there’s no “schedule” to follow, so there’s no need to rush.
GG: How to avoid dating just to date?
HZ: If you even think you’re dating just to date, don’t. You know your true motives.
SC: Honestly this can be hard sometimes, so I would say ask yourself why you’re dating or wanting to date. And answer yourself honestly. Don’t lie to yourself, as hard and not-fun as that may be.
CS: Just ask yourself if the person has traits you would actually want in your future spouse. If your dates tend to be more draining than uplifting, that is probably a good sign it was not meant to be.
GG: How to think clearly when infatuated?
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SC: Literally just talk to God about it all the time. Seriously. Continually ask Him to help you think clearly. Ask for Him to help you live according to His plan, to live in a manner that glorifies Him. Keep reading the Word, like Hannah said. Talk to people you trust, get their opinion. And give it time. But the main thing is keep dialoguing with God about it. He cares. He’ll be happy to talk about with you.
CS: Cut off any ties that may causing you to be too invested in the person. Have someone keep you accountable. Find something truly meaningful and that could have an eternal impact to better focus your time on. But most importantly take every thought captive and put the focus on Jesus.
GG: Trailing the above question, I wanted to add this, cause this can be a two-way street for both single and non-single people: how do you differentiate between love and infatuation? When is it nothing but a fluttering of the heart for someone and when is it something more than that, something more profound?
SC: Time. That’s my immediate first response. Give it time. It’s easy to be infatuated and obsessed with someone for a few weeks, even a month or two, so I would say that time is definitely your friend here. During the early stage(s) of a romantic relationship, it’s natural to the other person through rose-colored glasses. But once that wears off, do you still want to put in the effort to love them? I think this question pokes a bit at a bigger question, “what is love?” which is a topic for another time. But if I could boil it down to one nugget of advice, I would say give some time, maybe a month or two. That sounds like a long time, but trust me it’s worth it. And if after that time you’re still wanting to work for a relationship with them, then maybe there’s something there.
HZ: I think the difference between love and infatuation is that love makes you feel more deeply. It hurts when you’re apart from that person, and more than just missing their face or personality. You’re missing their soul, their heart, and it hurts. When you’re with them, your heart doesn’t accelerate because you think they look adorable, it accelerates because this is what you want to do for the rest of your life. Be by their side. Love them. Infatuation in and of itself isn’t bad, but it can’t be the driving force in a relationship. That leads to clinginess, obsession, and an unhealthy reason to pursuing them.
CS: 1 John 4:7-21 teaches us what love truly is. Again we see that love is not self-seeking. Rather it is self-sacrificing, like what Jesus did for us. Infatuation tends to be based on how the other person or thoughts of the other person can make me feel better. Love seeks to honor and care for the other person.
SC: And also to add one last thing, if anyone wants to chat more about this I’m totally down to. I don’t have all the answers, but if you have a question and you see me around, feel free to ask, I’d love to dialogue about all this stuff.
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Here’s one thing I would like to add: Pastor Callie preached a message not too long ago, and she shared a prayer she said while she was waiting on the man she would someday marry. She prayed” Lord, let love been asleep in my heart till the proper time and place.” I just thought that was such a cool thing to pray, so I wanted to share.
A big thank-you to the people who took the time to answer the questions I compiled!
This document was slightly edited to help make it shorter for easier reading. If you want to read the full interview click here!!!